Reflections on the Politics of Marriage

Bringing up the the topic of marriage equality is a surefire way to ignite emotions. Following are a few of my thoughts about the politics of marriage, written in the form of a FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) .
Why marriage? Why not civil unions?
As the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court opined "History has shown us that separate is rarely, if ever, equal." There is no rational argument for creating a separate institution for same-sex couples. Civil marriage is a legal contract regulated by the state, and all citizens deserve equal access and equal treatment under the law.
Within the LGBT community, there's a lot of debate about whether marriage should be the focus of today's movement. Some people say that we're focusing way too much energy and way too many resources on an institution that is problematic anyway.
Yes, there certainly is a lot of debate on this topic. The first thing I will say is that marriage IS currently front and center, whether you think it should have been placed there in the first place, or not. And now we have to respond to the reality that is, not the reality that we wish there were.

I am committed to, and am very much a part of, the marriage equality movement. In Massachusetts, winning marriage equality was like winning the lottery. In winning marriage equality we won much more than marriage. Rather than having to fight issue by issue (non-discrimination in the workplace, inheritance rights, hospital visitation, the acceptability of LGBT teachers, and so on and so forth, we were given, by extension, a package that has – and will – enable us to leapfrog over many of these questions. Even as we may have to address them, we are in a much more powerful negotiating position. After all, if same-sex couples are fully, legally recognized, then how could you argue (rationally) that it's not acceptable for children to be told in school that some kids have two moms or two dads, that families come in many configurations?

That said, it is also clear to me that there is no one-size-fits-all recipe that will be successful in every U.S. state. In Massachusetts and a few other states – the subject on the table is marriage. In some other states, simply achieving non-discrimination protections for GLBT people will be a huge victory.

Keep in mind is that we have come very far in a very short period of time. Prior to 1999, only 5 countries in the entire world (Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Hungary, Iceland) recognized same-sex couples. Since 1999, the number of countries recognizing same-sex couples exceeds 21, and 5 of these countries (the Netherlands, Belgium, Spain, Canada and South Africa) now have full marriage equality. And the number continues to grow. The pace of change is increasing. In the past year, Switerland upgraded to civil unions, two states in Mexico have established civil unions, Washington and Oregon have passed domestic partnership laws, New Jersey and New Hampshire have established civil unions. Colombia has recognized survivor rights for same-sex partners, Israel has recognized the wedding of a same-sex couple married in Canada, and even more change is on the immediate horizon.

We're in for a very long struggle. We will have victories and we will have setbacks. But I believe that we have justice on our side, and that we will ultimately prevail. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. is credited with saying 'The arc of history is long, but it bends towards justice.' Recent setbacks in the marriage equality movement have reminded me the that the arc may have a more gradual curve than I would wish.

Nonetheless, in time we will achieve marriage equality in these United States. We must be patient. We must be persistent. We must remember that we are engaged in an historical struggle for justice and for equality.

To succeed, we must be relentless. And along the way we must remember to be kind to and supportive of one another. We must build a broad-based movement that embraces our allies, because they are an essential ingredient of our success.

Further, we must remember that marriage is not the only issue that needs our attention. We must remember to fight for the rights of transgender people, for youth, for our elders. We must remember all of the letters and constituents of our beautiful alphabet soup. While we fight for marriage so that we can obtain health care through our spouses, we must remember to fight for health care FOR ALL.
In what ways do you see marriage as problematic?
Historically, marriage has been a tool used to keep men and women in their place. In most cultures, women were seen as property, given by their fathers to their new husbands. Think about the father of the bride walking her down the aisle and passing her to the groom. Think of the symbolism of the white wedding dress, and note that the groom is not asked to dress in virginal white. Think of the bride's veil, which is lifted by the groom. Think of the suitor asking the bride's father for permission to marry her. You can see many vestiges of this dynamic in traditional marriage ceremonies. In addition, wives were victims of legal ineqality, with the man considered the head of household. Marriage has changed and evolved over the years, and laws have change to reflect this lessening of inequality.

Interestingly, when you throw same-sex couples into the mix, marriage is again reinvented. What does it mean when there are two brides, or two grooms? Obviously, the traditional gender roles of marriage are called into question and – on some level – transformed.

I don't believe that everyone should get married. But I do believe that every couple should have the right to make this decision for themselves, and others dhould respect their decision. No one has has the right to deny them this choice. The bottom line is that on the topic of marriage, I'm pro-choice.